Telephoto? Telephony? Telephant? Wait, what's that thing called again?

Now, look.

I'm a big, important man. There's no getting around it. But sometimes--just sometimes--I need a little help. Is that too much to ask? I mean, really. I'm, like, running the country here, and remembering the lines of my speech is just not a priority for me. That's why they have that scrolling machine with the words I'm supposed to read. Makes it simple, right?

Don't be fooled, folks. Reading the words from the telegraph is not as easy as it looks. Fo shizzle. I have to stand behind a podium looking handsome as the devil, remember to flash my pearly (er, not so pearly) whites, and decipher all the letters coming at me faster than King Abdul Jabbar's introduction. I'm a multi-tasker (Check it--I can brush my teeth while I'm in the shower; I know, right?) but this is getting ridiculous. I'm expected to do so many things at once. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I occasionally screw up my lines.

So I've been thinking about some solutions to this problem. Actually, someone else should be coming up with ideas, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon. I guess I'm on my own here. I am taking matters into my own hands. And, OMG, I have some totally brilliant ideas that can assist me with the telemeter!

1) Let me wear a tiny secret earpiece where I can listen to someone else reciting the speech while I am reading it out loud. Maybe it could be my hot wife Michelle, since she doesn't really do much all day.
2) Make the letters bigger. Yeah, that's it. The letters are just too freakin' small. Bigger letters, bigger letters.
3) Have two telemarketers. That way, if I lose my spot on one, I can just look over at the other one to save me. Man, I am a one-man brain trust!

Okay, hold up. Now that I think about this, here's the best plan yet:

4) Ditch the telescope altogether. Bring back the giant cue cards and have someone cross out all the words with a jumbo Sharpie as I'm reading them. Holy Joe Biden, that is genius if I ever heard it!

Wow. I've gotta go. I need to tell these amazing ideas to my peeps, like, right now. They're all gonna want to be the guy who holds the magic marker. LOL! This is gonna be sweet.


Take that, telepathy!


President B.O.