Telephoto? Telephony? Telephant? Wait, what's that thing called again?

Now, look.

I'm a big, important man. There's no getting around it. But sometimes--just sometimes--I need a little help. Is that too much to ask? I mean, really. I'm, like, running the country here, and remembering the lines of my speech is just not a priority for me. That's why they have that scrolling machine with the words I'm supposed to read. Makes it simple, right?

Don't be fooled, folks. Reading the words from the telegraph is not as easy as it looks. Fo shizzle. I have to stand behind a podium looking handsome as the devil, remember to flash my pearly (er, not so pearly) whites, and decipher all the letters coming at me faster than King Abdul Jabbar's introduction. I'm a multi-tasker (Check it--I can brush my teeth while I'm in the shower; I know, right?) but this is getting ridiculous. I'm expected to do so many things at once. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I occasionally screw up my lines.

So I've been thinking about some solutions to this problem. Actually, someone else should be coming up with ideas, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen any time soon. I guess I'm on my own here. I am taking matters into my own hands. And, OMG, I have some totally brilliant ideas that can assist me with the telemeter!

1) Let me wear a tiny secret earpiece where I can listen to someone else reciting the speech while I am reading it out loud. Maybe it could be my hot wife Michelle, since she doesn't really do much all day.
2) Make the letters bigger. Yeah, that's it. The letters are just too freakin' small. Bigger letters, bigger letters.
3) Have two telemarketers. That way, if I lose my spot on one, I can just look over at the other one to save me. Man, I am a one-man brain trust!

Okay, hold up. Now that I think about this, here's the best plan yet:

4) Ditch the telescope altogether. Bring back the giant cue cards and have someone cross out all the words with a jumbo Sharpie as I'm reading them. Holy Joe Biden, that is genius if I ever heard it!

Wow. I've gotta go. I need to tell these amazing ideas to my peeps, like, right now. They're all gonna want to be the guy who holds the magic marker. LOL! This is gonna be sweet.


Take that, telepathy!


President B.O.

Wax on, wax off

Now, look.

I meet a lot of important people. Sometimes I am super excited about what fabulous person gets the opportunity to see me face-to-face, but most of the time the honor is pretty much theirs. So, OMG, I was really taken by surprise when some staff guy told me that I was scheduled to meet a king. Like, wow. (I think this one is actually related to Paula Abdul--bonus! At least they have the same last name.) Anyway, I was totally stoked, but so nervous! I can't adequately express how I felt waiting for this encounter. It was sorta like I had to pee reallllly bad, even though I'd just gone like six times in a row.

Wouldn't you know it, before I had a chance to think about what I'd say, the guy was standing right there in front of me! I realized that no one had told me what I was supposed to do. You people don't understand how much I have to think in this job. It's getting quite ridiculous. Geez, I said to myself, Should I high five it? But I knew that wasn't right. I was starting to internally panic when, suddenly, I realized what I would do if I were facing my real hero--Mr. Miyagi. Dude, that guy was old and he could still take out a bunch of punk-ass teenagers all by his lonesome. What would Daniel-san do? Bow, of course! So that's what I did. It was smooth as silk, baby. I would've patted myself on the back if I hadn't been busy figuring out what brand of footwear the King was sporting while I was down there.

So even though I once again pulled through a very stressful situation without a glitch, I've been hearing through the grapevine all sorts of bogus reasons why I bowed to the Saudi King. Like I'm secretly a Muslim or I'm trying too hard to restore good relations with Saudi Arabians or something. But the reason is more basic than that. I still don't know what the hell I'm doing. But I gotta tell you, I think I'm covering up that fact pretty well. And if shaking hands would've been more appropriate--hello!? Next time tell me these things! I'm not a mind reader. Although I am working hard on my meditation skills. Don't be surprised if you see me with a pair of chopsticks trying to catch that fly. Because we all have priorities. And being as cool as Pat Morita definitely tops my list.

Miyagi have hope for me,

President B.O.