Dingy teeth and dingier economics

Now, look.
I want to address a couple things here. First of all, there are a lot of rumors going around that, since my teeth have gone from a blazing white to an old linoleum gray, that I've taken up smoking again. Also a lot of people have reported seeing me sucking on cigarettes at just about every campaign stop near the end of the run. Well, I haven't started smoking again. I mean, LOL. OMG! Like, why would I do that? If I couldn't even handle the pressure of a presidential campaign without compromising my principles, how would I think I could run a whole country? (You may point out that I've never actually run anything, not even a Walgreens, but I'm still very sure that I'll do a good job. I'ma try reeeaaallly hard.)

The other thing I want to talk about is the stock market drop. True, it was the worst post-election drop in the market ever. But like my buddy Joe Biden said, we will be tested and, often, it won't look like we're responding correctly. That's where the blind faith comes in. As my liberal social policies and socialist economic policies cause the USA to spiral down into an apocolyptic anti-utopia, I need your continued support! Together, we can do this. YES WE CAN! The road will be hard, but we're going to get there! Where? I haven't decided yet. We'll know when we arrive.

Spreading the poverty around,
President B.O.